Football Fan Says “Stop Co-opting My Culture!”

Denver, CO – The game is over, the remains of his party is cleaned up, and Broncos fan Jack Johnsonberg is mad.  “It’s just so upsetting,” he says.  “I can’t just let it go!” No, it’s not the results of Super Bowl XLV!!1 where Johnsonberg’s team lost in a spectacular fashion with a final score of 43-8 against the Seattle Seahawks.  There is something very different that’s on this fan’s mind; “It’s like this every year!  They just suddenly pretend like they like football when it’s obvious that we liked it first!”

What Johnsonberg is referring to has become known to some as the “co-opting of football culture”, where people who may not have thought something (football in this instance) was cool or socially acceptable, now accept it or even embrace it.  Many times, people who don’t even follow the game during the pre-season, exhibition games, normal season, playoffs, or college games suddenly act like they were interested the whole time when it’s time for a pro bowl. “These people aren’t REAL fans,” Johnsonberg says. “I didn’t see them in line when I stood for three days straight to get tickets for the season’s opening game.  I doubt any of them have a Styrofoam block in the shape of a horse’s head to wear to games!” horse Johnsonberg says things get really bad this time of year for the Pro Bowls. “It’s like everyone becomes an expert!” He motions to his computer monitor, “Look at them, posting things they know nothing about on their Facebook and Twitter.  Oooh, another reference to a disappointing white Bronco [referring to the OJ Simpson chase of 1994]. Well guess what posers! Denver actually had a very good rushing year in 1998 with 2468 yards! Terell Davis even got MVP that year with 2008 yards by himself.  Well, he got the AP MVP and the PFWA MVP, and the AP Offensive . . . but he didn’t the Super Bowl MVP.”

“Nah,” says  Johnsonberg’s friend and neighbor, Matt Jockston. “That one went to [John] Elway!”

Fake Football Girls

As Jockston put it, the real problem is what he calls “fake football girls”. “Sure,” he says, “everyone likes football now. You see all these hot girls dressing up, in their cosplay.  They have to dress like a sexy version of our favorite player because it’s how they want attention or something.  They aren’t real fans.  I’ll bet they haven’t even ever PLAYED football!”

romo

An example of a “fake football girl”. Jockston is quick to point out, that this isn’t the real Tony Romo even though the jersey and number are correct.

“These are girls that wouldn’t even sleep with us more than a couple handfuls of times in high school,” Jockston laments. “Now look at them, acting like this is something they’ve always liked!  And we’re supposed to act like it’s ok that they’re taking our sport away!”

cows

Image courtesy of Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, an entire organization of “fake football girls” who are actually dancers, and not football players. Nor are they actual cowboys.

Johnsonberg puts it another way, “Look, it’s not like I hate these people who have found football.  But it’s ours; we worked at it and paid for it.  While all the other kids in school got to learn an instrument or get really good at math or computers or anything else that they could actually use in adult life, we got stuck playing football . . . getting hit by an alcoholic father figure for not reliving his glory days for him well enough.  We earned this!”

Jockston adds, “I bet they didn’t even get the Rudy reference in the commercial!”

Satire contributed to this article.